Love/Hate Relationship

I am currently having a love/hate relationship with my boobs… The closer it comes to having them considerably downsized the more I worry about the emotional element of surgery and the big question, what if I don’t like them???

Men especially always ask me ‘why are you doing it?’ following with things like ‘but I love your boobs’ or ‘it’s like slapping god in the face’, which then gets me thinking what if men won’t like me if I downsize?

I initially decided on having my boobs reduced because I have THE WORST back pain, a constant ache at the base of my back that just never seems to go away, and also it would be really nice if I could just walk into a shop, find a dress I like and buy it knowing it will fit. But then I get to thinking, sometimes my boobs actually look really good in clothes, sometimes they actually make me feel sexy, so what happens if I lose my sex appeal post op? Can it be taken out by the surgeon’s knife or is it something that is embedded deeper?

I also really hate my boobs when I am braless. I mean, I am 21, I should be able to go out on holiday and not worry that my boobs look more like cows udders than perfectly formed breasts without a bra on. The problem with having really, really big boobs is that they are heavy and then there is bloody Newton and his apple dragging them down until they hit the floor.

I read about things like post surgery depression and wonder if this will be me. I have never done anything this drastic before, when I lose weight I tend to slim down get to a certain point and then quit, so I have never known what it is like to be slim. I don’t actually think I will ever be slim which is one of my biggest concerns about the surgery. I currently have an hourglass figure (yes the glass may be overflowing with sand but it is still an hourglass) so if I downsize on the top then I am going to have to downsize on the bottom too, which requires more than just the skill of a surgeon. It requires a lot of motivation and a shed loads of hard work.

 vs 

I look at images and compare the difference between the beautiful Christina Hendricks versus the Candice Swanepoel and struggle to choose which I would rather look like. Both are absolutely incredible but realistically, I am never going to be Candice and am never going to be truly happy being Christina, so where is the happy medium?

A friend of mine recently had her breast reduction surgery and she tells me how much her life has changed, how much more confident she feels, how much lighter she feels and how much more determined she is to lose the rest of the weight. This does give me some hope however everyone is different, so I will just have to wait and see.

I started gaining weight from when I left school up until now. I began uni with a relatively okay figure but the freshers 15 found me and brought along 15 of their friends! This blog is supposed to be open and honest (without judgement from readers) so this is a picture of my body pre uni –

I am still no slim jim but my stomach was flatter and my boobs were still HUGE. All of the doctors assume that my boobs are as a result of obesity, get even when I was relatively slim I still had these gigantic lumps on my chest. I look back on these photos and still don’t remember being happy with my body, for still the same reason, the dreaded boobs. So maybe they are the root of my problem, slim them down and I will finally be happy with my body. That logic works, right?

Being big boobed and beautiful was hard this week.